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[02 Apr 2009|04:17am] I want to go out. I need to go out. There's no one here to go out with me. Should I just go out by myself? Should I just hit the town, alone, and hope for the best? I'm confident, I'm able to have a good time. Is that just really lame? Dammit! Someone come see me so I can friggin go out!!! I am going INSANE here. When all I had to look forward to is now not really going to happen, it kind of feels like I just shouldn't be here at all. But if I went back to uni, there wouldn't be anyone there either. Where the fuck is everyone?! Someone save me. ARGH. post comment

Memoirs of a Cam Whore [21 Dec 2008|04:27pm] Everyone who knows me, especially since I've had a camera, will know that I'm a cam whore. I decided at a young age that I enjoyed taking pictures, and started with poor blurry photographs of the ground, and perhaps a bit of sky and the top of someone's head. It was later in life that I decided that I wanted to write down a lot of things in my life to remember things, and to take photographs for the same reason. Through my years I've had a few cameras, but never in my life have I taken as many pictures as I do now. Before I got my most recent camera, I said to a friend "If I had a camera I'd take pictures of everything." To which she said, "No, even when you have a camera you will take hardly any pictures." Now that I have a camera, I take pictures of everything. Well, almost everthing. I soon realised that I am in fact, a cam whore. Then this afternoon I thought, why do I take pictures of everything? Because you can guarentee that most of them will end up on facebook. Is it for other people, to look at and be jealous of how much fun I have and how young and attractive I am? Is it for my friends because they're in the pictures? Or is it for my own personal gratification? I think maybe it's a bit of all three. I am a cam whore after all. But who cares? They're just photographs. I do admit, it got a bit ridiculous when my friends and I took about 170 pictures in one night, a lot of which were of the same thing. Maybe I should just take less pictures of people pulling faces and take some more of something more interesting... I'll definately be taking better pictures when I get a big ass Canon. For now, I will enjoy being a cam whore, and my friends will appreciate it, they will appreciate the memories, and together we will throw caution to the wind and laugh, laugh I tell you!! post comment

[17 Dec 2008|10:50pm] Before I came home for Christmas I knew it would be hard because they're all so negative. People said to me that I shouldn't think like that, but hey ho, I'm home now and I was absolutely right. They're both depressed. I'm inbetween them just listening to them and giving them the odd bit of advice. I really wish I could help them more, it makes me really sad to see. What Ben talks about is exactly where I was at when I was his age and younger. I really hope my being here will cheer them up and help them help each other. I don't want to leave and they go back to being depressed again. BRING ON THE HAPPINESS PEOPLE!!! post comment

[16 Dec 2008|02:42am] Don't you just hate it when you're really bored in the early hours of the morning, wide awake unable to sleep. You don't want to go to sleep bored so you find mindless entertainment to slowly send you to sleep. Then 4 hours later you realise you're Facebook stalking people. post comment

[10 Dec 2008|04:02pm] "I cannot lead people somewhere I am not going myself." "God has an incredibly high view of people. God believes people are capable of amazing things. I have been told that I need to believe in Jesus. Which is a good thing. But what I am learning is that Jesus believes in me." "Somewhere in you is the you whom you were made to be." -Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis "We save ourselves a lot of work by being what we're supposed to be." post comment

[03 Dec 2008|11:00pm] I wonder what defines what makes us like things? post comment

[20 Nov 2008|09:47pm] Guys! YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT!!! We're here to LEARN!!! We're here to see things and experience things that challenge us, and grow us, and make sure we're not just mindlessly absorbing every last thing someone says! Stop complaining about EVERYTHING! It's ok to not understand something, it's ok not to like it, or connect with it, or discern the text, it's OK! That doesn't mean that you have to moan about it over and over again. It's driving me up the wall. Why are you even here? You came here for a reason, you must have known that this place was absurd, experimental and bizarre? Just accept that things are a bit weird, it's different but it can be fun, if you let it be! post comment

[21 Oct 2008|06:24pm] Ex's and Could haves. God I can't stand them right now. Stop being retarded. Why do we let members of the opposite sex dictate our feelings? Why is this happening again? I thought you were different but things are looking as if they're heading the same way as everyone else. Is it me? What do I do and say? Is it the way I am? Don't let him make you sad. Or angry. "It's so hard not to let them upset you" Yeah, don't I know it. post comment

[08 Oct 2008|09:29pm] We broke each other's hearts. post comment

[06 Oct 2008|07:46pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Anberlin - Audrey, Start The Revolution ] Today I feel invisible and insignificant. There isn't much groundings for why I feel this way. Today is just one of those days. I'm reading my assignment for tonight it's just going straight over my head. I feel so out of my depth, it's quite scary. I'm trying to move rooms because it's so fucking cold in here. Normally, now would be the time when I lock myself in my room and cry for a bit and then re-emerge a bit later. I can't cry. It won't come. Last night I REALLY needed to cry, after Will had a seizure, but it just wouldn't come. Bleaurgh, I'm fine really I'm just having an "I feel very sorry for myself" days. Well, few days. I'm sure it will pass. I'm stronger now, don't you know? post comment

[28 Sep 2008|11:40am] [ mood | jubilant ] [ music | Sigur Ros - Glosoli ] It's been a while, but since the last we spoke, we moved house and it's great! I love the new house. We've got new kittens and I have been unbelievably happy since we moved. Malcolm and I broke up a week before we moved house. I'm so getting over. It's been fucking hard, but I can't do that anymore. I'm really happy now. I'm at uni, it's the very last day of freshers week, the drinking has stopped and today everyone is resting. Most people have freshers flu, myself included. I live in halls with about 21 other people, there were more but 3 left. Hopefully some others will move in soon. Everyone here is great in thier own way, there's a couple of people I don't like. Bring it on. Goin for a jammin sesh with will and possibly jack later, probably in a field. Even though I have to overcome my fear of the dark and seclusion, I'm doing pretty well and I love it. I was telling Will last night that it's way better than I thought it was going to be, and I had high expectations! Good times. I'm still freeakin chuffed with my new tattoo. I have never felt so free. post comment

[10 Jul 2008|02:29am] Oh and I've had a job for a couple of months now. I am a waitress but I don't think I'm very good at it. Nearly dropped someone's meal tonight because the plate burned my hand. But it was ok and it's the first time I've done it. I like it there, it's fun. Good work mates. We're moving house in 2 weeks and 2 days. SO much is going to change. I'm so excited. But I'm sad at the same time. I hate that I feel sad because I don't know why I am at all. Change. Good or bad? Or both? Bargh. post comment

[10 Jul 2008|02:27am] It's graduation in 2 days! I am so excited but I know I'm going to cry lots. I get to see my team and my emzy and it's going to make me cry. No doubt about it. I just hope it goes well and all to plan. post comment

[12 May 2008|10:00pm] Today I got back from London town where I have been since wednesday night. I had a wonderful time visiting my absolutely wonderful fiancee. I spent much of my time sitting in the pub where malcolm works, chatting to regulars, reading vogue and sipping down the odd drink. We also spent much of our time relaxing together in various parks, enjoying the heat and sunshine. I met an outrgeously camp man who didn't fail to entertain me, complement me no end and buy me drinks. I met many of Malcolm's friends, church members, and people he speaks to on a regular basis. Malcolm and I ate grapes and decorated ginger bread men and sun bathed and laughed so hard and flirted outrageously with each other in many parks. We met up with Ben and went for a pizza hut. The three of us witnessed an AWFUL event for pentecost, which we were embarrassed by. We felt bad for mocking a Christian event, but I'm sorry, the brought it upon themselves. We travelled far and wide, a long and over-extensive endeavour, seeking out but a few of our friends from Pais who were doing a basketball tournament as part of the dire pentecost event. They weren't at all bothered about seeing us, so we decided it wasn't worth it after all. I went to Hillsong church for the first time and it was good. I travelled around for the first time BY MYSELF!! I was so proud of myself. I was also scouted by a modelling agency outside Selfridges on Oxford Street. Pretty chuffed about that. Should hear from them this week. To be honest I won't be too bothered if I don't hear from them, I'm just chuffed I was scouted. In your FACE Steph, you fat whore. Steph being the step mother who crawled out from the depths of hell istelf to unleash evil upon the world, who nicknamed me and my brothers "The Three Mingers". Oh how I enjoyed slagging off my steps the other day, what fun. I should sit down with someone on a regular basis and bash them down to the ground with each other. No one likes steps. Well, basically, I had a great time. I feel at home in London. I feel happiest when I'm with Malcolm. I have thought about going to stay in London til I start uni, getting a job there. But I don't think I'd be able to live in such small quarters with pretty much none of my stuff, being woken up every morning. I NEED A JOB!!!! post comment

[02 May 2008|02:20pm] Eating cream eggs is really messy. Now I'm messy. post comment

[15 Apr 2008|04:33pm] I think Pais is dying. 3 comments|post comment

[08 Apr 2008|09:55pm] [ mood | pensive ] I want to find out who I really am. "If I had to describe you in one word it would be strong. Really, I would. You are so strong." Lydia said. Who am I? The search to find who I really am. Could I be enjoying the journey? I could, but I really just wish it were over. Wish I could be solid. The person I always dreamed I'd be. Brave. Fun. Inspirational. Beautiful. I am none of those things. Never did I dream that I would amount to the person I am today. I dreamed I would be a princess and lived in a castle. Maybe that's why I've always wanted to get married in a castle. Soul searching. If you ask me, so far it's been crap. Isn't it supposed to be wonderful? Isn't every word I say, every thing I do, every idea I have supposed to be ironic, profound, thought provoking? Yeah, right. My wounds are deep. I'm practically a wardrobe. I may look big and grand on the outside, but my wood is old and cracked. And it's empty inside. A few piles of material fabricated to be wonderful but in reality was left behind. A few moths, and a funky smell. Now it's just a big useless thing everyone forgot about but whenever remembers me I'm just in the way to them. My wounds are deep. I once wrote a song. A really crap song. It said "I'm a bucket...an empty bucket...come fill me with crap." It trully was a dire creation. But that's all I am. A dire song that no one will sing and most certainly not enjoy. My wounds are deep. They pull me down. My job is suffocating. It's pushing me down. I need something to push me up from underneath. That pushing force, that's a mystery. A wonderful, powerful, awful, traumatising, massive thing. But it's a secret. Sshhh Shall I tell you? It's love. Love? She asked. What's that? You know exactly what it is. It's what has kept you alive for years, despite the best efforts of everything else. This world. This world loves to and continues to bleed me dry. How much fucking blood do I have? I don't know who I am. I don't know what to do or which way to go. I suppose I'm lost again...still? Have I confused you? post comment

[23 Mar 2008|09:01pm] I am annoyed and very disappointed. I am disappointed with my so called friends and annoyed that they are so fake. I thought it was just people that I knew at school, but no, it's people from church as well. I went to church this evening and saw quite a few people that I know, and every single one of them blanked me. They were just so rude. It's not as if they didn't see me, they stood around me, talking to Ben and Harriet, as if I wasn't there at all. Someone even walked passed me with their head bowed low so as to avoid any kind of eye contact that could have been made. My old student cell leader whom I knew kind of briefly compared to everyone else, couldn't even remember who I was. I'm just disappointed. I don't really know where I belong now. I know I don't belong up north, that's NEVER going to happen. I would like to think I belong in Leicester, but that doesn't seem to be happening. I don't belong in London long term, I love being there because I'm with Malcolm, and getting to know his family, and I just love London. But where I stand at the moment, I don't belong there. So where do I belong? Maybe I'm just to float around for a while until I feel settled in one place. I haven't felt completely a part of a place for an extremely long time, it just feels less stable than it did before. My family were discussing yorkshire puddings today, and how people from Yorkshire are way too proud of thier "invention" of them, whereas they're actually just cup shapes of batter. How exciting for them. Someone said "I find that people from yorkshire are much ruder than Southerners, and even pompous Londoners have more manners and acceptance of other people than people from Yorkshire. Someone else agreed. And to be perfectly honest, sadly, I'd have to agree. Upon experience, living in a part of yorkshire myself and having a yorkshire man on my team, I find them to be extremely mean and rude, and unneccesarily proud of themselves. And having lived and spent much time in London, having family from London also, although they are "Southern" and may sound "posh" but they most certainly are entirely much nicer people. Man, I'm hating people right now, I hate it when people are rude and two faced and I am so disappointed in man kind right now. post comment

[19 Mar 2008|11:23pm] [ mood | mellow ] Tomorow is the last day of the spring term. Then I finally get to go home and be with my friends, family and fiance. I can't wait. Sean tells me off for thinking that way, for thinking, yay it's over! He can shove off. I LIKE being at home. And that's big for me. I haven't liked being home since I was 12. This week has been pretty non anything. I've been off work, sleeping. I'm working myself into a hole in the ground. And it's about bloody time I had a break. I don't understand why I get ill and the rest of the team don't. I think the girls work just as hard as me, if not more because of their churches. Blargh, I don't know. I just want to sleep sleep sleep but not have to miss work or miss any of my holidays. There should just be a week dedicated to catching up on sleep. That would be awesome. Like a half term, but just to sleep and not go to conferences. That would be in addition to. Janine asks me pretty much every time I see her how I'm feeling on a scale of 1-10. It's always about 4. That's a bit crap. Sometimes it's lower. I don't feel comfortable telling her the truth that it's actually about 1.5 or 2 most of the time. Never mind. I have nothing interesting to say. post comment

Thoughts and Internal Debates [13 Mar 2008|05:47pm] [ mood | drained ] Eugene Peterson asks in The Message Solo, "What would it look like for you to go one level deeper in intimacy with God?" How does one go a level deeper? What are the levels? How does one know when they've moved up a level? Life isn't a game of Mario Bros. My love for God is much like Job's was. It's peppered with hate. Sometimes I hate what God's putting me through, I hate Him. But I love Him more than anyone or anything. I hate that I hate Him, but I love Him so much, I don't understand any of this. Is my love for God and relationship with Him in a deeper level now that I have experienced a love peppered with hate? How do I move up a level from that? I can't help it, that's the way I feel and I feel this way because of my experience. How can anyone even ask a question like what would it look like if you went one level deeper in intimacy with God, unless you know what levels look like and you have something to compare your current level to? I believe that God desires an honest intimacy with me, but I think that my negative emotions hurt him. Just like when Malcolm's angry and upset with me. It hurts me, but it doesn't stop me loving him, and I love that he can be so honest with me. I would hate it if he locked his emotions away from me, even if he had good intention of sustaining a happy level in our relationship. I feel that way with my relationship with my mum and best friends too, and it's the same with God, you know? Real love is brutally honest. And I believe that God is ultimate love, therefore, of course he wants an honest intimacy with us, and can handle me completely, even the negatives. He made me. He'll love me no matter what. And I love that. Even though sometimes I hate Him. And now we've gone full circle back to, I don't understand it at all. When we come closer to God, he shows us more of His heart, more of His heart. Maybe myh pain and hurt is a little bit of God's pain and hurt. Maybe I'm at that 'level' where God is showing me himself, letting me experience his heart, because we are just that close. I don't know. God please be with those who are hurting. Please give them comfort and peace. I ask this so often, I feel stupid repeating the same questions, same requests. But we have to continuously buy bread and milk, to survive. We have to ask for the same things from God because there's a constant need for it. There's always people hurting. It just seems like it's more now than I have ever experienced before. God, please heal people. Give them peace, give them comfort. Let them know it's you. Amen. I feel so sick it's unreal. Every day it just gets worse. This does not make me happy at all. post comment

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